Nostalgia

Playing the snow at the Boars Head

I have been quite nostalgic these past few days, and admittedly, rather jealous of all the new babies and new pregnancies.  I keep thinking about what people say to you when you are younger, things like "enjoy this, you don't know how good you have it" and "you will grow up soon enough."  At the time, I just thought it was annoying and condescending, but now I see, those kind people were just adults having a nostalgic moment as well.  I have always been that person who could not wait to get older, I was ready at 13 to be 40 and even now I like the idea of aging, probably because it brings life experience but I think mostly because I just wanted to get to the good part, you know big family, making fun memories, all those things that I did (and still do) associate with getting older.

Teddy on the Lawn

The Karppi's and the Azer's at the Rotunda

This past weekend we were in Charlottesville, which is always some nostalgia for me.  It's where I felt like I grew as a person, made friends that seemed to "get"me and where I grew up in a lot of ways.  Being back on that Lawn just reminds me of all the fun I had there and how carefree it was.  Watching my son play on that same Lawn made me see how fast this is all going to go.  They say don't blink, but it's faster than that even.  I just feel so blessed to have these moments, precious and fleeting.  When people and places shape you, mold you and love you the way these have, it forever changes you and in your heart you will always see that place as a magical place with magical people.

Looking back on the good ol' days, I cannot help but think, that girl had no idea what was in store for her and how lucky she really was.  I believe in luck and fate and all those magical experiences that brought me to who I am today; I am a mother, a daughter, a wife and a friend.  Those are the titles I love the most.  I cannot wait to watch Teddy as my parents are watching me and wonder where time really went.  What a blessing it is to get to be nostalgic and I am grateful for it everyday.

Help Wanted, Needed?

So now he loves wearing his costume and roaring at us, go figure

Things are never static in our house; between two busy attorneys (one of whom, Adrian, will be starting a new job as Counsel!), one wild 2 year old and living in DC (and all that brings), things are usually always in motion.  Recently, with Teddy's budding interest in animals and movies, we have tried to seek out opportunities to do things like the zoo, the aquarium, museums, etc so that he can see those things he loves in person.  (At the Museum of Natural History, he liked the dinosaurs but LOVED the stuffed gorillas.  He is semi-obsessed with gorillas for no apparent reason other than he just likes them.  We had to buy him a toy gorilla instead of the super cool lion. Go figure.)  Usually this means that an entire weekend day is planned around such activity, which is great, but it also means that we have to fit in the routine things somehow (you know like grocery shopping, clothes washing) on top of seeing our family and friends. I think being over-scheduled as a two year old is probably a bit much but I have to say he loves it. We visited the Naval Academy and he loved seeing all the boats and planes there on display.  I love seeing things the way he does and then hearing him explain them, it makes all the effort worth it.

I am also noticing that I am losing my title of Chief Helper to Teddy and I am not sure I like it one bit.  I spent weeks that turned into months wishing that he would get to the next stage, you know the one that would let him do more for himself.  I wanted him to learn to feed himself so that I could have a minute to eat, learn to walk so he could get where he wants to be and all these other skills.  Now that he has most of them, I am sad to say I am seeing him need me less and less.  Between hearing him say "No Mamma, Teddy do it" or now more often, "No Mamma, Daddy" I am not sure what breaks my heart more.  It is a tribute to Adrian though and I would not take that away from him.  He is as hands on as I can imagine and Teddy loves spending time with him.  I think I am just having a hard time sharing in all the things I used to "have" to do for him to now sharing or watching him do them himself.  My baby is growing up (but he got mad today when we called him our baby, he took that as a slight).  So though I want him to grow up, I am now keenly aware that it is passing faster than I thought possible, which is never the case with things I wish would go faster.

Playing at the Naval Academy 

So Teddy, my darling boy, just like our favorite bedtime book, please remember, I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as you live, my baby you will be.  No matter what it is, when it is or where it is, I will always be here to help you, even if you don't want, don't think you need it or don't like it, it's just part of the deal.

I am not Alone

This is Teddy's "No" face and get ready,
more is coming when you see this face!

I had a revelation this week and many of you will say"duh" but it was a light bulb moment for me, seriously.  I realized that I am not the only one with a child that STILL refuses to sleep through the night, I am not the only one whose child is not a great eater (he is still underweight which just baffles me that he can be my son and be UNDERweight) and I am apparently not even the only one whose child likes to hit, scream and throw tantrums (and other objects) at will.  I have no idea why this was revolutionary to me, but it really was.  I think sometimes we all focus on not showing the outside world the "real picture" (I mean we all want the outside world to see us as a "normal" family and every time something bad happens, people always say, "you know they were such a normal family no one would have expected their son to be an axe murderer, bless their heart" or whatever the particular item of gossip is).

I have decided that we are all less "normal" than we pretend to be, which begs the question, what is normal?  Because I know that there are a lot of toddlers out there who are way less wild than my child, sleep better and eat normally.  I am finding though that if you chip away enough, even those awesome Stepford moms will admit to something not being perfect with their darling dearest.  And here is the more revolutionary thing, I feel more isolated when I pretend that Teddy is not the wild child he is than when I admit his latest thing and that mom then opens up with a story of their own.  I know a lot of us probably embellish (because I am not going to believe that your child speaks 5 languages at 2 no matter what you claim) in order to make it some sort of reflection on our skills as parents, because I know I do place a higher value on my skills as a parent than others, but its just not fair to Teddy.  It forces him to be an adult far faster than he should be, and let's face it, being a child is a lot more fun than being an adult most of the time.  I want to let him be wild, carefree and a general menace to society because that is how he will learn.  I need to take each one to teach him a lesson on life and spend a lot less time trying to make him the next Einstein, because there is plenty of time for that, but right now, he just needs to be a BOY, a TWO year old boy who screams, throws things, does not sleep, cries for his Momma and Daddy, runs rampant in the mall terrorizing the Cartier and Saks stores (this happened, but other places just gave him stickers and he loved those places and did not throw all their clothes on the floor, take that Cartier) and has time to grow, develop and learn.  And I, as his parent, need to stop trying to force anything else on him (I mean I will try to control him obviously, but there is a limit to what you can ask of a 2 year old) and enjoy this time because I know it is fleeting.

I am also going to know that other parents do what I do when I see their kid running wild, throwing food, clothes or whatever else before Teddy, which breathe a sigh of relief and say a silent amen that someone else is going through this too, that I am not alone and just apologize to the others and LAUGH.

New Year, New Look

Showing us how Santa came down the chimney!

Watching the Polar Express on Christmas Morning 

As you can see, I have introduced a new look for the blog.  I figured it was time to be serious about this blogging! (Ha, this is for family and friends and mostly a baby book for Teddy so its really just a fun thing and if others enjoy it, then that is a bonus!)

We had another amazing holiday season where Teddy was spoiled beyond belief by EVERYONE!  We decided that we would do as the Magi did and only get Teddy 3 gifts, but trust me everyone else made up for it for him.  (I think that the new toy gun and the Bouncy Castle were the winners this year!) Teddy loves the idea of Santa and even memorized most of the "Night Before Christmas"  (I swear I am not making it up, I discovered it one night when I paused and he knew all the next words, amazing!  It became our holiday party trick.) He would point out Santa and Christmas lights everywhere.  But when it came time to actually meet Santa, he was not having it.  He tensed up and would not even go close to him.  Ergo, we have no photos of Teddy with Santa, not even a crying one because his Daddy took pity and did not want to force it on him.

Caviar dreams

I have also discovered that my son has a taste for the finer things in life; North Face, Air Jordans, Caviar, French cuisine and almost anything else that is expensive.  His Daddy bought him some Air Jordans and he is so proud of them and wants to wear them all the time.  Then Daddy introduced him to caviar and Teddy loved that too.  I am not sure what will be next and I will need to keep my job to afford it for sure!

Playing with Nana in the bouncy castle!

Holidays are always a reflective time and make me think back to all of the holidays past.  We always enjoyed lots of parties, church traditions and cookies.  I have tried to start some new ones for Teddy to make sure he has things that resemble that but many things are just organic and come naturally.  Going to see the Holiday ICE show at the Gaylord, Breakfast with Santa at BHCC, Christmas breakfast, family Christmas PJ's, cookies for Santa and, of course, lots of reading the "Night Before Christmas."  I still find that it is the most simple things that we all enjoy the most!

I hope for this New Year, that Teddy continues his learning and that I am able to become a better mother, wife and friend.  Thank you to everyone and I wish everyone a happy and healthy New Year!

Not seeing Santa

Riding with Alexander

Cousins on Christmas

Look at those smiles

Trains with Nana

Checking to see what Santa wrote

Letter to Santa and From Santa

How many Azers to build a toy?

Drawing with Nana

Winner of the 2011 Best Toy Prize: Nana and Pawpaw

Kiss Me, I'm a Working Momma

Hmm, well, I think the title of this post just says it all--it is hard to be a working parent.  (I am not trying to take away from working daddies or stay at home moms, those are equally tough but I can only write about what I know, which is being a working momma and missing out on a lot of things with Teddy as a result.)  Some days are way better than others, and some you just cannot believe the clock only moved 5 minutes since the last time you checked.  The guilt I feel as a working parents at times is also a battle, though, as my friend Anita always says "no one will make you feel as guilty as you will make yourself feel," and it's so true.  There are days where I cry just looking at a photo and wishing I could have more time to play with him and just watch him grow.  Other days, I feel guilty because work is a bit of an escape from the grind of raising a rambunctious boy.  It's a never ending cycle of guilt for me.  (I have no idea how single parents do this, honestly, you have something I am lacking because I have a husband, in-laws and a babysitter to help me make this work, so kudos to single parents for just making it happen.)

But on those worst days, when I am just crying for no reason and just wishing I could get home to him faster, well, those are the days I think he hugs me the tightest (I am not imagining that right?).  Those are the days I get the best hugs, lots of kisses and "Momma I love you's" and it fills my heart right back up.  When you carry that baby you just have that bond that is so in tune and they call it "mother's intuition" but I think that Teddy has it too.  He knows when I need him the most and seems to ask for me a little more than Daddy that day, just filling that spot in my heart that needs a little lift.

I just hope one day he will understand that I am working because I truly think it makes me a better Momma to him.  I want to be there as much as I want to give him things, but above all else, I just need to be the best Momma I can be, and I think for me that includes being a working Momma (and let's be honest, I had a great example of a working Momma who is my best friend to this day and a Daddy who was there for everything even though he worked a lot too).  I am so blessed to have a supportive husband who fills in when I cannot be around, a supportive group of friends and a semi-flexible job with supportive super-structure.  We are also blessed to have an amazing babysitter, Miss Carrie, who really helps us fill the gaps.  Teddy loves her so, and who wouldn't, she is amazing.  I could not do this without them, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.  As another friend says, you cannot be a working mother and be a control freak, so I am working on letting the little things pass and concentrating on the big ones, while asking for more help along the way.

It is so true it takes a village to raise a child, support a mommy and make a family and I so appreciate my village.  Thank you to my village, whether you are in DC, Lee County, Texas, New York, Boston or half-way around the world, each of you adds to my ability to be a better working mother, and for that, I am forever grateful.  Thank you to my Teddy for always knowing when I need him the most and thank you to my husband Adrian for your support, you are both my world and my inspiration.

My cup runneth over

Teddy Driving the Tractor with Pawpaw

We just returned from Thanksgiving in Jonesville with my family and friends.  One thing that is important to me is that Teddy understands where I grew up, the foundation it gives you and the roots he has in that family.  I have said before that I can look back more fondly at growing up in such a small place and appreciate it now that I have a child (I am still not sure how you raise a child in a city, this plagues me at night.).  Every trip to Wal-Mart is a reunion of some sort and seeing friends that I rarely see but we carry on as if we have not skipped a beat.  I love that about Jonesville.  I love the simplicity of it all and the homey feeling I get.  It restores my soul to see those beautiful mountains, with their mist and fog, the deer darting out, the sound of tractors humming and cows mooing.  (Adrian has a hard time seeing the road at night in Jonesville because of the lack of ambient light, I think I just take for granted that we know the roads so well, we don't need the light to see.)  Even the stars are brighter there and make me feel so much closer to heaven. 

Making cupcakes with Nana

Playing with Nanny

It is so much fun to watch Teddy love the tractors, the cows, the deer, everything that a farm has to offer.  Every morning he would run and wake my father up to go ride the tractors and see the cows.  It was the highlight of his day.  He even learned how to raise and lower the bucket.  I love watching my father with Teddy and teaching him all the things he used to show me.  I can vividly remember getting on the loader with my Dad and riding with him to push the dirt around.  And my mother is just adorable with Teddy.  She gets down in the floor to color and they made cupcakes.  All Teddy could talk about was cupcakes and making them with Nana.  It reminds me of helping my Mom bake and watching her with Teddy, helping him stir and mix and play with the flour.  Watching your parents with your child is such a special thing and I am so lucky to have this opportunity.  Even more so when you factor in that I get to watch my Nanny with Teddy, which is also cute.  He likes to bring her his cane and show her his stickers.  It makes me miss my Grandma Adams a lot because she too would have had a real kick out of Teddy.  I can only dream that I will meet my grandchildren, much less my great grandchildren, so I know this is truly special.  Like I said, my cup runneth over.

When I close my eyes and think of Lee County, this is what I see

So Lee County, though I have cursed your name and praised you too, I do love you so.  You are such a part of me, in ways that are so ingrained, I am sometimes surprised at their appearance.  I am grateful for the friendships there, because just like Pooh says, "you are in my heart forever."  Thank you!

Christmas with Uncle Bobby

Cruising in my Vette

Music of my Heart

The one Halloween photo we managed

 Sometimes I feel like life is a series of songs that I am living, with the lyrics perfectly acting as the backdrop narration.  Music is and has been an important part of our life with Teddy--he even loves the songs I make up at night to sing.  (Sidenote, I always wished for a talent, like art or music but, sadly, I have not been blessed in that arena.  I just pretend and sing along anyway.)  Milestones have a way of reminding me how far Teddy has come in the past two years and having just made his 2nd year photo album and to see the growth and changes just blows my mind.  I have blinked and he is fully talking, running and drawing circles, counting and identifying shapes when he used to sort of babble, awkwardly walk and not really understand how to hold the pen at all.  This is the "Don't Blink" by Kenny Chesney section and every word of it is true.

With his cousin Jesse at Cox Farms

Then you watch him learn to interact with others, which is sort of challenging but he has gone from playing beside another child to forcing them to play tennis with him, so I feel it is sort of a work in progress.  The Terrible Two's are an understatement and Teddy likes to exceed expectations.  I was really worried to take him to Sunday School but his Aunt Beth, the teacher, assures me that he is good in her class (and leads me to ask why is he so bad when I am around?).  We have had a few incidents at school, but none as bad as the day we had to fill out the incident report.  Yes, Teddy got mad that another child would not share a toy with him, grabbed the toy and hit the poor child with the toy and scratched his face.  (This is all being typed as I cringe and apologize profusely to that child's parents.)  But ask Teddy, and he just wanted that toy.  (I was away in Boston for work when this happened and I told a few people about it.  Every single guy I told was so proud of Teddy and every single female was horrified for me. Mars/Venus for sure.)  I think this is the "I'm Sorry, So Sorry" by Brenda Lee song because I say that everywhere, literally, in restaurants, at the mall, at school, almost any where we go, I am apologizing for the wake we leave behind. Apparently for Teddy its more "Eye of the Tiger"

This is his Halloween costume. Seriously.

Then there is getting dressed, which is a huge battle, especially now with potty training (which is a true battle, no one tells you these things up front).  Teddy does not like wearing certain shirts, pants or shoes for no apparent reason on a particular day.  Halloween was one of those days.  He decided that he wanted to be a dinosaur but did not want to wear the costume.  So we went trick or treating to a few houses and he was literally doing the dinosaur yell to them in plain street clothes--they were confused.  But now, he LOVES the dinosaur booties I bought to match the costume.  "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem" again by Kenny; he apparently really gets the essence of Teddy.

But like the title, there is nothing like hearing Teddy tell me he loves me and that he wants another song. I suppose, as cheesy as it is, that is the "Music of my Heart," thank you N'Sync.  Sometimes there are just days I want to "Scream" like Janet "Miss Nasty" Jackson, but most days I just "Run to You" like Whitney did in the Bodyguard to pick you up at school (in fact, Adrian and I generally have a shoving match to see who can get down the stairs to him faster when we come home together from work).  Two songs that say it all are "God Gave me You" by Blake Shelton my dear Teddy and "Just the Way you Are" ala Billy Joel, and for that, I am eternally thankful and grateful.